No, I’m talking about Other People’s Property. I’m talking about a new feature on Poncita! – One Pot Poncita.

Basically, I dont have a kitchen – it’s just a glorified wet bar. So that means – everything I cook is limited to either an electric skillet, a crock pot, or a hot plate. Plus I’m just fucking tired and lazy when I get home from work. So I’ve decided to blog about my cooking adventures using just one vessle, and using everyday cheapy ingredients.

So today our OPP dish is Poncita Paella and it’s made entirely with leftovers or stuff I had stashed in the freezer/fridge:

I used:

1 leftover Farmer John Extra Spicy Hot Link
1 box of Farm House Chicken Flavored Rice
2 cups of water
Leftover chopped white onion
Frozen green onions
Frozen red bell pepper
Chopped garlic
Clam Juice
Pepper
Season Salt
Paprika
Cumin
Red Pepper Flakes
1 bay leaf
Butter

Basically, I sauteed the white onion, green onion, and red bell peper in a little bit of butter until they got soft (like your dad). Then I added the garlic and rice and sauteed that.

I threw in the sliced hot link, let it brown for a second, and then added the 2 cups of water and the seasoning packet from the rice box. After stirring it, I added a glug of clam juice, and a little bit of all the spices. I stirred it once more, threw the lid on, and let it simmer.

Tips:

1) Clam juice may be a little expensive if you don’t get it at Big Lots, $.99 Only, or on the clearance rack. But it’s WORTH it – a little splash adds a LOT of seafood flavor. I added it to this dish to make up for the lack of shirmp thats usually in traditional paella.

2) Get your spices at Big Lots or $.99 Only. They taste the same. Or if you live in So Cal (like I do), your supermarket carries those little Mexican bags of seasoning that are usually on the end cap of an isle. The wording may be in Spanish, but they have the English translation too (seriously, if you live in So Cal and can’t figure out Food Spanish, you’re fucked) and they taste EXACTLY the same as Gringo spices. Since they do come in un-sealable plastice bags, you will have to transfer them to Ziplocs or some other kind of container.

3) Use what you have. It doesn’t have to be Farm House rice – it can be Rice A Roni. If you don’t like cumin (huh huh), don’t use it. I literally went through my kitchen and found the stuff and said “Hmm…I can make ghetto paella!”

4) I’m a single person (cats don’t like paella), so I do, unfortunately, waste a fair amount of food, mostly from spoilage. If you don’t think you’re going to eat something in time, or it looks like you’re going to be busier than you thought, THROW IT IN THE FREEZER. The red bell peppers I used were bought weeks ago, but I knew I wasn’t gonna get to them in time, so I chopped them up and froze them. Same with the green onions. It’s better to have it sitting in the freezer than sitting in the garbage. And if you’re worried about having things “too long” in the freezer, invite a couple of your stoner friends over to help eat the old food. Works every time!

The seventies are known for two things. Robby Benson and the Marathon Bar.

That’s right, The Marathon Bar…the best candy bar EVER!

It even had a ruler on the back label.

It was chocolate and caramel looked like a strand of DNA and tasted like heaven if heaven was made of chocolate and caramel wrapped in a dick measuring wrapper.

In fairness it didn’t take too well to heat. It would melt and stick to the wrapper. And when it got stale it would chip and flake.

But it was delicious and I miss it every day.

Sorry Gramps…..if I could bring back one of you it would be the one that measures my dick without ultimately involving the authorities. At least I thought they were the authorities…..maybe they were your friends. Do real policemen take pictures and strip after they set down their beat box? Who knows?

But with the good must come the bad…this would be the shit stinking Reggie Bar.

Reggie Jackson was a Yankee so odds are I wasn’t gonna like this one anyway. But truthfully it sucked. It was a petrified chocolate cow pie complete with nuts….most likely from Reggie’s shit. We used to buy them to throw at people from the car. It went like this….”Whoosh!…………WHAP!”……”FUCKIN’ OUCH!”

I had the privilege of attending Reggie’s last game at Fenway Park in 1983 and sat two rows behind home plate. It went like this:

Eight or so beers and……

“Hey Reggie, your candy bar sucked…it SUCKED!…..I usta buy them to throw at people and they would yell…”HEY! THIS SUCKS!……You suck Reggie!……WORST CANDY BAR EVER! …Your mama eats Reggie bars Reggie!”

He was so annoyed that he was eyeing the stands looking for me and my ducking date…….Now if only he’d a put that much thought into his candy bar……

Healthy Chinese food is such an oxy-moron, like “jumbo shrimp” and “Armenian with a big cock”. Homemade Chinese food is pretty decent for you , but fast food Chinese food is such a fucking joke – you might as well throw fried noodles on a salt lick.

“YOU EAT EGGRO NOWWWWW!”

Pick Up Stix (hereby referred to as PUS) promotes itself as “healthy Chinese food” because they use “fresh ingredients” and cook it “fresh and made to order”. Big fucking deal. Here are the reasons why I hate PUS:

1) For a place that brags about everything being fresh, why don’t you ever see the ingredients, or the food, until you get it? At least when you eat at a Magic Lucky Happy Wok type place, you can see the food sitting in a tray in front of you, so right there you can decide if you want to eat it or not. Panda Express has bins of fresh cut vegetables sitting in the refrigerator behind the cashier, so the public can see that they’re not fucking around.

2) Since they cook it “fresh” nothing is ever the same twice. The only dish I regularly get there is the Hot & Sour Soup, and every time it’s different – sometimes it’s dark, sometimes its diarrhea tan, sometimes its thick, sometimes thin, sometimes it’s hot and sour, sometimes it’s bland, etc… They also need to stop with the “made to order” shit because they never get it right. My order isn’t very complicated – Hot & Sour Soup with no tofu and extra green onions. They’re usually pretty good about the “no tofu” thing, but when I get it, it’ll either have NO green onions at all, or no eggs, or no chicken or extra carrots. Granted, I know none of the chefs can speak/read/write english, but COME THE FUCK ON – don’t say you’ll cook it made to order when you’re too busy jerking your egg roll. And don’t get me started on the size of the portions…..

3) I know this really isn’t PUS’s fault, but the people that eat there are morons. Every time I go the line is out the fucking door, because there’s always some j-hole reading the menu and trying to decide what they want.

“Uhhhhh, what kind of white rice do you have?” This was how far back I was in line the last time I went there.

Seriously, every fricken time there will be some yuppie couple standing there asking whats in the beef and broccoli. Last time I went PUS was decent and gave me a discount and a free drink because the line was so fucking ridiculous and they knew I was there for a take-out (like your mom). Speaking of take-out, PUS is cheap as shit and the NEVER put napkins, soy sauce, etc… in your to-go bag unless you ask for them. I always have to ask for a spoon for my soup when I get it to-go – “No no, I don’t need a fucking spoon to drink scalding hot soup – just give me a fucking funnel”. Idiots.

And don’t get me started on their orange chicken……

Actually, I don’t think I remember the last time I really fell in love with a snack food. But I am SO in love with these that if they were a guy, I’d already be complaining that they came in my hair after I asked them not to.

These new snacks are called “Churritos” (made by Bimbo) and they are dee-fucking-lish! Granted, I’ve only had the Chile & Limon (that’s “Lime” for you moronic East Coasters), but that’s all I need. I know, they’ve been around for a while, but they’re all new to me. They’re not super spicy (like your mom), and they have a Frito-like crunch to them that’s super addicting (like that Speeders show). They remind me of Sabritones, just not as strong (Sabritones are another surprise hit snack that Fresno Ron introduced me to). Calorie-wise they’re not to bad either – a serving is 45 of them and it’s 150 calories.

Unless you eat the whole bad while watching “Speeders”.

Grade:

I give it 5 out of 5 California Dips – Churritos are a truly spectacular snack food!